I have really prided myself of being grateful for all that I have been given. I would always learn about “coveting” in church and continuously thought,
“i’m glad that isn’t my trial.”
And then almost out of nowhere, it hit me like a ton of bricks and, “became my trial.”
It really, really sucks admitting your faults and the things that make people look down on you. It’s embarrassing and I want to keep it hidden deep inside my mind but that’s not how we grow. I’m accepting my faults so that I can learn from them, move on and eventually become a better version of me. Im glad I recognized this ugly trial of mine so that I can take the time to fix it.
I recently found this book during one of my many weekly Target stops and it screamed my name “literally!” I flipped through it and immediately walked to the check-out lane to purchase it. It’s called, A Standard of Grace – A Guided Journal – by Emily Ley.
I’m all for self help, self improving and self motivating books so I was really excited to jump in. As I read it more, I realized there are 52 week segments that dive deep into the meanings behind who YOU are. I thought it would be a great idea to really focus each week on the given subject and continually blog about my experiences, so here I am, ready to grow while you all read my biggest faults and downfalls. 2019 NEEDS to be about me. I don’t know who I am anymore and i’m adapting mentally damaging habits that I need to work through. I am excited to see where it takes me and who January 2020 Mkaul will be.
WEEK ONE – ABUNDANT GRACE
Emily gives just a few words of encouragement in this first segment and I almost had tears running down my face. Why? Because I used to preach this very message all the time and then somewhere down the road, I myself, began to forget.
“God cares about us abiding by His commandments and loving big- feeling deeply alive and free from the traps of perfection and comparison. He’s watching us scurry about, saying, “Sweet girls, why are you so hard on yourselves? All this worry and busyness is for what? I’ve given you all you need.”
I use to tell girls all the time,
“How do you think God feels when you look down on yourself? When you don’t think you’re good enough? When you want more than he’s given you? You’re hating the one thing God created for your soul.”
And I’ve forgotten that.
This weeks prompt is:
“Where did you get the idea that you had to be ‘put together’ in every area of your life? Who defined perfection for you?”
I never felt the need to be a certain type of perfection until I got married. For so long I was living for that one man who would be my husband. Once I found him, I realized I “needed” to have more things, the nicest stuff, the biggest house & the whole “wife” package. It got increasingly harder when I became a mother. I needed to have not only the best things for Ty and I, but now for the baby. I wanted people to view me, my home and my children and think, “wow, she’s so talented & has it all together.”
The thing is, it all stemmed from social media. I would view hundreds of images a day of how my house should look, how my kids should dress, the coolest new gadgets, the things I should be cooking and the person I should be. In my mind I KNOW not all of us have it together (because I fake it too), and yet I still get so discouraged and upset at myself for not having what “she has.” My anxiety truly stems from this very subject and it makes me physically ill most days.
I try so hard to show my perfection behind a screen but most days I am a crippled mess with my 5 day old pjs, spit up running down my back, cereal stuck to the floors, kids with ketchup stained faces with overwhelming piles of laundry and dishes.
Perfection has been defined by what I see on social media and it is tearing me apart while I might be tearing someone else apart.
This facade has brought me to my knees, begging God to help me see the truth and to forgive me of my mistakes.
This week I will truly try to focus on where my ideas of perfection continue to fester from and how I can do my part as to not play into those lies. I will be more transparent in my every day life but I can’t promise it will be pretty or even happy. I want those around me to now know that I don’t have it all together and that perfection will never come in this lifetime.
“I will hold myself to a standard of Grace, not perfection.”